Manly Lincoln Does Manly Things
by Stall Walt
Summary: Watch a manly Lincoln do manly things. Latest Chapter: Lincoln Stars In A Commercial
1. Lincoln goes on a Run

Yes, we need more stories of a manly Lincoln.

* * *

The alarm clock rang, making the occupant in the bed stir. A hand came out of the blanket and patted around the nightstand, looking for the the source of the noise. Finally feeling the alarm clock, the hand patted the top of it, stopping the noise.

Lincoln Loud sat in his bed, rubbing his eyes before letting out a nearly jaw breaking yawn. Smacking his lips together, he threw his blanket off him and hopped onto the floor. Then something clicked for him as he checked the clock again.

6:30 AM, and it was also Saturday.

Nodding to himself, Lincoln changed into his workout clothes, revealing his toned muscles and eight-pack, an impressive achievement for an eleven year old. Taking an experimental sniff of them, he nodded as he deemed them acceptable and still usable for one more run. Checking everyone one more time, he left his room.

Standing in the hallway, he listened carefully. Hearing the soft snoring of his sisters, Lincoln quietly crept over to the stairs. Taking extra care to creep down the stairs without making more noise than usual, he finally made it past the stairs, crossing past the kitchen to get his running shoes.

"Lincoln?"

Lincoln stopped and looked at the kitchen. There, his mother had been sipping a cup of coffee with an open book in front of her. Lincoln moved closer to the table, picking up a banana and peeling it before eating it.

"Yeah, mom?"

"Are you going out for a run?" She asked.

"Yeah."

"While you're out, can you also run to the grocery store and pick up some tampons for me and for your sisters?"

"Sure."

"Okay, here is the money. Stay safe out there, Lincoln."

"I will." Lincoln said as he pocketed the money, before hugging his mom. "See you later."

With that, Lincoln got his exercise shoes, put them on, and left the house. Walking on the lawn, he took the time to do a few warm up stretches. Feeling his muscles sufficiently loosened and ready, Lincoln took a deep breath through his nostrils, before jogging away at a brisk pace.

As he jogged through the town of Royal Woods, he observed the town slowly coming alive. Birds were chirping, businesses were flipping their signs, cars were starting to appear on the roads. He saw all of this, and was thankful that the grocery store opened its door just as he jogged into the parking lot.

Entering into the building, he brushed his hair and wiped his sweat away in an attempt to look presentable. Looking through each aisle, he came across the section he wanted. He rubbed his chin as he considered each brand and package.

'So...We would want something that is decent quality, has a good number of pads, and is relatively within the budget. Oh, this will do.'

Checking over the pack he selected, he nodded as it met all the criteria that he wanted. Picking it up, he walked over the nearest cash register and placed it down. Lincoln ignored the little smile that the cashier gave him as she rang him up.

As he left the grocery store, he checked the clock nearby. It had been around 45 minutes when he left the house, and the thought occurs that if his mother wanted him to get a new package…

Lincoln decided that he should probably make it back to the house as quickly as he could. Securing the bag as best as he could, he broke into a sprint, crossing through the parking lot and down the sidewalk. As he sprinted, he spotted the nearby park and decided to cut through it as a shortcut.

As he sprinted past the park, he came through one area where it was a bridge over a decently sized river. As he entered, he noticed someone standing in the middle of it with a burlap sack that seemed to be moving. The person, having not noticed him, dropped the burlap sack into the water before quickly leaving the area.

Lincoln quickly ran over and checked over the railing. In the water, he saw the burlap sack moving, as if something was trapped inside. He looked in the direction of the person that had left then back at the burlap sack that was starting to sink.

He made his choice.

Dropping the pack of tampons to the side, he jumped into the river, entering feet first. The water swallowed him up, with him sinking below the surface. Opening his eyes, he ignored the burning of his lungs as he looked up and spotted the sack.

Swimming towards it, he grabbed it and brought it up with him. His head broke the surface, his actions taking a deep breath and filling his lungs to capacity. Bringing the sack above water, he swam to a nearby bank and dragged himself onto dry land.

Sitting up on the grass, he undid the tie on the sack and opened it. Inside, a waterlogged puppy immediately ran out and started to lick Lincoln all over his face. Lincoln chuckled as he didn't even try to stop the puppy.

"There, there. Everything is going to be just fine."

 **" _MORTAL, YOU HAVE DARED MESS WITH THE ORDER. FOR YOUR INSOLENCE, I…_ _Oh hello, Lincoln._ "**

While the puppy started shivering, Lincoln merely picked it up in his arms and turned around at the foreboding scythe wielding figure standing behind him.

"Oh hey, Grim. How are you?" Lincoln greeted.

 **" _I suppose you want me to overlook this one?"_**

"If you please."

The Grim Reaper sighed, a bit strange for one without any internal organs underneath his black robes.

 **" _Very well. Do know that I don't make this distinction for anyone."_**

"Duly noted." Lincoln smiled. "By the way, how are things with those two you have to hang out with?"

 **"** _ **Ugh, thankfully, college keeps them both quite busy."** _Grim said, sounding mostly annoyed and frustrated at the mention of the two that he 'had' to hang out with. Lincoln wisely chose not to comment on the hint of fondness that he detected.

"Wait, Billy got into college?" Lincoln blinked, utterly mystified.

 **" _I'm sure that was the reaction everyone had when they heard it."_** Grim chuckled. **_"I had plenty of souls to reap that summer."_**

"Right...Well, I gotta get going. Better get this guy to a shelter, and get those pads to my mom and sisters."

 **" _Oh…Better get a move on, man."_** The Grim Reaper shivered. **_"Mandy's time was ... unpleasant."_**

"Okay, see you later. We're still up for go-karting next week?"

The Grim Reaper nodded, before disappearing. Lincoln walked away, holding the puppy in his arms. As he grabbed the tampons, he looked down at the puppy.

"You know...You need a name."

* * *

"LINCOLN! Why do you look like you took a swim?" His mother shouted as he came inside, everyone at the table looking at him in surprise.

"Eh, puppy slipped into a river. Dove in to get him. I'll be checking in on the guy at the pound tomorrow." Lincoln summarized as he dropped off the package of tampons.

"Now if you excuse me, I need to change my clothes." He said as he climbed back up the stairs.


	2. Lincoln Retrieves a Ball from the Sewers

"Geez, Lincoln. How can you exercise so much, and still stink at Football?" Lynn Jr asked as she leaned forward and extended her arms to catch the football, adjusting her balance so that she didn't tumble over. Righting herself and sliding her fingers through the lacing, she threw it right back at Lincoln, the arc of the ball as picture perfect as it could be.

Lincoln traced the ball's path through the air, and quickly ran over to the spot where he predicted the ball was going to land. Handing out his hands, he guided the ball with his hands, making it impact against his chest as he hugged it. Confirming that he caught it, he shrugged.

"I can run and block. I just have trouble throwing the ball." Lincoln simply replied.

The two had been throwing a football back and forth for a while now. The sun that had greeted them as they came out of the house was now being hidden by the ominous grey clouds now looming overhead. Lincoln could swear that he was starting to feel some rain drops fall on him.

Still, until the rain really started falling, he was willing to stay here to help Lynn burn what energy that hadn't been taken by her many sports.

Well, mostly willing. If he was honest, an energetic Lynn that was locked inside the house because of bad weather was unbearable. He had unfortunately chosen the wrong time to be candid about it to someone, when Lynn essentially barged in and shanghaied him into helping her get her sports fix when rain comes.

"Hey, Lincoln! You're going to throw the ball or now?! I want to get a few more throws in before the rain comes in!" Lynn shouted, looking up at the rainclouds with unabashed worry.

"Okay! Hang on!" Lincoln said as he adjusted the ball in his hands.

'Okay, remember everything. Fingers where they are, feet shoulder length apart, go through the motions, and FOLLOW THROUGH!'

With that, the ball left Lincoln's hand, a near perfect spiral… That sailed right over Lynn's hands. The two ran over and looked over the fence, just in time to see the ball go right into the storm drain.

"MY BALL!" Lynn shrieked.

"Hang on, I'll get it!" Lincoln said as he exited the yard and was about to make his way over. Lynn grabbed him by the shoulder.

"Lincoln, you wait here. I'm gonna go get Lana." With that, Lynn went back into the house.

Lincoln looked between the house and the storm drain, before immediately going over to the storm drain. Crouching down, he peered into the darkness, hoping to catch a glimpse of the ball. Suddenly…

" **Hello, little boy."** A clown with red hair and a red rubber nose looked up at him.

Lincoln didn't react.

"Oh hey, you didn't happen to see a ball down there, would you?"

" **Hahaha… Oh yes, we have plenty of balls down here…"** The clown chuckled.

"Okay… First off, phrasing. Second off, do you have a football down there?" Lincoln asked.

" **Football, football…"** The clown looked down, rummaging around, before holding a soccer ball.

"No."

" **OH!"** The clown dropped the soccer ball, before holding up Lynn's football. **"You mean this?"**

Lincoln nodded. "Yeah. But I don't think that it will fit through the storm drain."

The white haired boy looked around, before spotting a manhole cover. "Hang on, I'm gonna go over to that manhole cover and go inside. Can I meet me there?"

" **...Sure?"**

"Great." With nearly no time at all, Lincoln ran over to the manhole cover, opened it up, and climbed inside.

The clown stared at the open manhole cover, before throwing his head back and laughed. **"NYAHA!"**

With that, the clown disappeared back into the sewers, intent on getting his hands on the idiot boy.

For a few moments, there was silence in the streets. Then…

BAM! POW! WHALLOP!

A great ruckus erupted from the sewers, so great that the manhole cover was moving with each thunderous crack. Finally…

WHACK! "AUGHAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!" The screams of what sounded like a dying cartoon cat erupted once more from the sewers before all fell silent.

A white haired boy came out of the sewers, ball in hand, as Lynn Jr and Lana came out.

"Lincoln, what happened?! Me and Lana just came out and there was this noise and...when did you get my ball?" Lynn grimaced. "Did you get my ball from the sewers? Lincoln, that's why I got Lana!"

"Man…" Lana whined. "Lincoln, I wanted to go sewer spelunking."

"It's fine." Lincoln said as he turned around. "I got the ball."

"Uh...Lincoln?" Lana said as she pointed at Lincoln's face. "You have some red on your nose."

"Oh?" Lincoln said as he reached up…

And wiped the red liquid off the bridge of his nose.

"How about now, am I clean?"

Both of them nodded.

"Alright." He said as he slid the manhole cover back where it belonged. "Let's go. I need to take a shower."

The three went inside the house, with Lincoln taking a second look back at the sewer before closing the door.

* * *

 _Three weeks later…_

"I'm going for a run!" Lincoln called out as he came out of his room. Climbing down the stairs and past the kitchen, he stopped and looked inside.

"Luan, are you alright?" He asked, seeing Luan holding a slowly cooling cup of hot chocolate.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm alright, Lincoln…" She said not too convincingly. Lincoln frowned, already having an idea of what was depressing Luan.

"Funny Business still going through a rough spot?"

Luan nodded. "Yeah, ever since that new clown came into town. I mean, he works for pennies, Lincoln! PENNIES! LITERAL PENNIES! It's insane. How do I compete with that?"

Lincoln grimaced and started rubbing his chin. "Wonder where I should send that guy?"

Luan looked at her brother in confusion. "Wait, you know that guy?"

Lincoln shrugged. "Let's say that I felt that guy could do better things with his time…"

* * *

"Mr. Wise?" The clown looked down at one of the kids that were attending the party he got hired for.

" **What is it, kid?"**

"Can I have a balloon?"

' **Oh, how easy it would be just to bite his arm off… Wait, there's something at the storm drain…'**

Pennywise the Clown thought he saw something athe nearby stormdrain. He looked, and every part of his being froze.

Lincoln stared at him from the storm drain, pointing at his eyes before pointing at him.

Pennywise knew what Lincoln was sawing.

'You ain't quitting this job until you make Clowns a respectable occupation again.'

" **S-Sure, kid."**

As Pennywise gave the kid a balloon, Lincoln turned to look at you, the reader.

"Hi, I'm Lincoln Loud, here with an important message. Please ignore what I did during this chapter. Please do not assume that every stranger danger can be resolved with violence. Always remember to tell your parents where you're going, keep to populated areas, and never go with anyone that you do not explicitly trust. Thank you."


	3. Lincoln Celebrates The 4th of July

On the outskirts of Philadelphia, the British Army marched, having weapons and armaments that didn't match the 18th century.

The treads of tanks flattened the ground under them. Troops marched, wearing Kevlar vests and bearing assault rifles. Overhead, attack helicopters roamed the skies, serving as the eyes in the sky and preventing any people from escaping the city.

In the midst of this army, two men rode with one of them cackling to himself most evilly.

"Yes, I, Lord Duke Weaselton, have successfully traveled back to July 4th 1776, bringing our future weaponry and knowledge to the British commanders. We will soon capture the city of Philadelphia and the members of the Second Continental Congress. When they are captured, they will be unable to sign the Declaration of Independence, and the string of military losses will take their toll on the colonies, making them surrender! SOON AMERICA WILL RETURN TO THEIR RIGHTFUL MASTERS!"

"What are you doing?" The British Commander asked, looking at the ranting Lord Duke Weaselton with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh, sorry." Weaselington coughed. "I was monologuing to myself… It happens sometimes."

"Alright." The British Commander accepted that. "Thank you for your assistance. Once the Colonies are disciplined, we will be able to move on to more important matters and… Do you hear that?"

The army stopped and looked around, hearing something faint that was growing louder and louder.

"Are those...wings?" The British Commander questioned. Lord Duke Weaselton gasped.

"Oh no… He's here."

"Who?"

"LINCOLN LOUD!"

Out of the clouds, A GIANT BALD EAGLE BURST FORTH, CARRYING ALOFT LINCOLN LOUD, FIRING DUAL QUAD ROCKET LAUNCHERS AT EVERY HELICOPTER AND TANK HE COULD SEE.

"HOLY S*** ON A SANDVICH!" Lord Weaselton cried out as explosions rocked the British Army. Scores of soldiers began dropping their guns and began running away.

"COWARDS! STAND AND FIGHT!" Lord Weaselton screamed.

Some soldiers and still standing vehicles stood their ground and started shooting at the GIANT BALD EAGLE. Lincoln didn't notice the gunfire, just made the GIANT BALD EAGLE fly upwards. Lincoln fell off. He was falling... falling…

And fell into the seat of a motorcycle and JOINED THE CONTINENTAL ARMY ON THEIR OWN MOTORCYCLES AND HUMVEES AS THEY CHARGED THE ENEMY. LINCOLN LOUD LED THE CHARGE, HIS ONLY WEAPON BEING THE AMERICAN FLAG, WAVING GLORIOUS AND PRISTINE.

"...SCREW THIS! RUN AWAY!" Lord Weaselton screamed as he turned his horse to run away. The rest of the army saw this and immediately followed suit, only to be cut down by the sabers of the continental riders.

LINCOLN SAW WEASELTON AND SPED TOWARDS HIM. WHEN HE WAS CLOSE ENOUGH, HE JAMMED THE STAFF INTO THE SPOKES OF THE FRONT WHEEL. THE MOTORCYCLE FLIPPED OVER, CATAPULTING LINCOLN INTO THE AIR. FLYING THROUGH THE AIR, HE FLEW AT WEASELTON BEFORE PINNING WEASELTON'S HORSE WITH THE BROKEN SHAFT. WITH A PAINED WHINNY, THE HORSE WENT DOWN, SENDING WEASELTON FALLING TO THE GROUND.

Before Weaselton could get away, Lincoln grabbed him and pulled out a remote.

"NO! THE DEVICE I MADE THAT WILL ERASE ALL MEMORIES AND ALL FUTURE TECH I BROUGHT TO THE PAST WHICH IN RETROSPECT I WONDER WHY I EVEN CREATED IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

With a push, and a pop of reality, Lincoln had Weaselton in handcuffs, ready to transport him back to the past. As the sound of hooves and carriages reached him, he turned and nodded to the founding fathers and George Washington.

"Thank you, Lincoln Loud. You have saved the Continental Congress. We are thankful." George Washington said graciously.

"Still, you think you could have saved us on a giant turkey, instead?" Benjamin Franklin asked. _(This is true, by the way. While Benjamin Franklin accepted the proposal of the Bald Eagle for America's national bird, he wrote in a private letter that he thought that the turkey was a much more noble bird.)_

John Adams smacked Benjamin on the back of the head.

"Don't worry about semantics." Lincoln said. "Once I go through this portal, you will not remember a thing and history will go back to normal."

"We won't remember? Then how will we remember you?" Thomas Jefferson asked.

"By going back, signing that Declaration of Indepence, and letting the country I was born in exist. That's all I ask."

"Very well, Lincoln Loud. Safe travels." George Washington bowed in respect with the Founding Fathers.

"May God bless you as well." Lincoln said with a smile. "Come on, Polly. We're going home."

"CAW!" Polly THE GIANT BALD EAGLE cried out as it entered the portal with Lincoln.

* * *

 **HAPPY 4th OF JULY EVERYBODY!**


	4. Lincoln Eats Mapo Tofu

"So that's where all the extra milk jugs have been going." Rita Loud remarked as Lincoln explained a few ideas he had found online about DIY weightlifting with Lynn Jr. listening intently. The rest of the family were engaged with their own conversations and activities as they managed to behave themselves inside the new Chinese restaurant that had opened with Royal Woods, which boasted authentic Chinese cuisine.

"You think I could try out some of your equipment when you get done with it, Lincoln?" Lynn asked.

"I don't see why not. Though give me a few more days with it, I want to make sure that I got everyone ready."

"Hey, everyone!" Luna shouted, spying someone coming out of the kitchen with lots of dishes. "I think our food's here."

All conversation stopped as everyone waited with bated anticipation. Much to their delight, the waiter brought their food. "Thank you for waiting. Allow me to give you your food."

As the waiter set each dish in front of each of his family members, Lincoln got his utensils and stared at the waiter. As the waiter set his dish down, Lincoln was about to dig in. Then he took a second look at the dish he was given.

It looked to be cuts of tofu and bits of pork or beef in a red oily suspencion sauce. What's more, Lincoln could literally feel the heat coming off the dish. Not just the temperature heat, but the sheer spiciness.

"Umm, excuse me? I ordered the fried rice. What's this?"

The waiter, having given everyone their order, looked at Lincoln quizzically. "Oh, that is Mapo Tofu, authentic recipe from the Szechuan province of China. And you didn't order that?"

The waiter looked back at his notebook, before his face turned pale and bowed. "OH, I AM VERY SORRY! I MUST HAVE MISREAD YOUR ORDER! I THOUGHT YOU WISHED FOR MAPO TOFU WITH MAXIMUM SPICINESS! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!"

Lincoln turned back to the Mapo Tofu before looking back. "How spicy is it?"

"Umm…" The waiter got the menu again, opened it to a specific page and pointed to some symbols. The one that the waiter pointed to specifically was a trio of skulls grouped closely together."

"Very hot, sir."

Lincoln looked back on his plate, before sighing. "I'm guessing that the chef wanted this dish to be as authentic as possible, right? Even that he even imported some special ingredients from China?"

"...Yes, sir. But please do not let that affect your decision. I can bring it back and have the chef bring you your order."

Lincoln shook his head. "Tell the chef it's fine. I'll eat this."

The waiter looked apprehensive before nodding. "Please do tell any of the other waiters including me if you need more water, sir."

With that, the man left, leaving the loud family to stare at the plate of red that was sitting in front of Lincoln.

"You know, you could still call that waiter back." Lola advised, eyeing the plate like she expected it to erupt into flames.

Lisa held out a handheld device and scanned the food. As the device started to show results, the genius began to examine them before her eyes bulged. "GREAT EINSTEIN! The amount of capsaicin is so great, you might as well set fire to your own tongue!"

Despite all these warnings, Lincoln didn't heed them. Getting his spoon, he scooped up some of the mapo tofu, and looked it over, before putting inside his mouth. The rest of his family watched as Lincoln chewed, then swallowed as he got another spoonful.

Then another.

And another.

Slowly, the changes started to happen. Lincoln closed his eyes, shutting out all outside stimuli. His face slowly started to turn red. Beads of sweat started to appear on his brow, getting bigger and bigger until they started flowing down his face.

Lincoln speeded up his eating.

He got redder and redder, his drops sweat the size of dimes, and he kept up his furious pace, his spoon dipping into the dish.

Finally, he let the spoon drop into the empty plate, the sound of spoon hitting ceramic like the sound of resounding victory. Lincoln reached up to the collar of his shirt-

And tore the front of it in half, exposing his chest, and letting the heat escape.

The rest of his family stared at him. Lincoln might as well have been carved from stone. Lynn reached over to the plate and swiped some of the mouth.

"Well, if Lincoln didn't need water, I bet I can do it."

She stuck the sauce inside her mouth.

* * *

"Yeah, it's pretty hot, Lynn." Lincoln commented.

*SHUT UP AND KEEP POURING ON MY TONGUE!* Lynn replied as best she could, before Lincoln continued squeezing out Lily's milk bottle.


	5. Lincoln Stars in a Commercial

The roar of an eager crowd could be heard over the pouring rain from the giant cement coliseum in the middle of a desolate wasteland.

The crowd stared and cheered as a door from the side opened, light shining from the entrance as it allowed one person into the arena. Lincoln, dressed in a brown shirt and pants looked at the obstacles before him. A metal tube with with metal spikes on the outside, a tower with spinning handholds, and at the very top, something embedded in the middle with a ray of light illuminating it.

A flare shot up into the air, signaling to Lincoln to start.

Climbing into the tube, he looked a bit worried as the end closed behind him before a strange grinding sound made him turn around and face forwards. His expression looked a bit more concerned as he saw that the other end of the tube had a giant metal fan coming at him. Looking back at the blocked entrance behind him, he looked back at the spinning death coming at him.

He took a deep breath before watching the fan carefully.

Carefully…

Carefully…

NOW!

He jumped through, his feet nearly getting clipped by the fan. Landing on the other side, he climbed quickly through the tube, racing around the spinning body of the fan. All the while, heroic music played in the background.

Climbing out of the other end of the tube, he took one look at the spinning tower with its moving handholds, before immediately jumping on and climbing up. As he climbed, he gritted his teeth as he strained his muscles, forcing them forward. Reaching for one hand handhold, he misjudged the distance and grasped only air. The crowd gasped as he nearly fell.

" **IT IS MORE THAN A TRIAL BY FIRE."**

Lincoln recovered and continued climbing. Parts of the crowd stood up and cheered as he got to the top. His body aching gasping for air after the last two rigorous obstacles, he got up and raced for the object in the middle.

" **IT IS A RITE OF PASSAGE,"** The voice said as Lincoln drew the sword, a reflection of himself in better clothing staring at him. As soon as the sword left the scabbard, a beam of light shot forth, connecting the metal tower to another tower standing next to it.

A rumbling made Lincoln unsteady on his feet, so he crouched down, wondering what was happening. Suddenly, from the lava that composed the floor of the arena, an arm made of lava came up, hovering over the bridge of light. A moment later, a giant lava monster arose from the lava, roaring a challenge at Lincoln.

" **A CHALLENGE TO JOIN THE ELITE."**

Lincoln covered his face as the heat rolled over him before getting into a stance as he stared down his new opponent.

The Lava Monster swiped at Lincoln with its massive arm. Lincoln ducked, bits of his hair curling.

" **And should you succeed…"**

As Lincoln stood up, the Lava Monster swiped at him again. Lincoln quickly brought up his sword, cleaving through the Lava Monster's arm, but unbalancing him. He furiously windmilled his arms as the Lava Monster recovered.

" **If you can master your fears…"**

As the Lava Monster swung his arm again, Lincoln was ready. Holding his sword in front of him, he ran forward.

" **Outsmart your enemy…"**

The sword cleaved right through the Lava Monster's arm, letting Lincoln through. As Lincoln stepped from the light bridge onto the next tower, the Lava Monster began to turn.

" **And never yield…"**

Seeing the Lava Monster approach behind him, Lincoln climbed onto the raised pedestal…

" **Even to yourself…"**

Just as the heat got close, Lincoln swung behind him, the sword biting into the Lava Monster's chest. With a roar of pain, the Lava Monster crumbled, the fire withering away. The pieces of what was once a monster fell back into the lava.

" **You will be changed forever."**

As Lincoln raised his sword, the fire came back, swirling around him...before vanishing, revealing Lincoln in military dress.

" **The Few…"**

Lincoln raised his new military saber in front of his face…

" **The Proud…"**

He brandished it to the side… before standing at parade rest as the crowd behind him cheered.

" **The Marines."**

Lincoln stood there for a minute, before a bell rang. He relaxed as the tower slowly lowered itself, the lava receding. Once the tower was at a suitable height, he jumped down as a group of makeup artists checked over him. The director of the commercial came over, looking worried.

"STATUS REPORT! IS HE OKAY?!" The director shouted.

One of the make-up people looked up and gave a thumbs up. Lincoln himself sighed as he rubbed the back of his head with his military saber. "I'm fine, Jerry."

Jerry the Director sighed in relief before rounding to the scared intern besides him. "ALRIGHT, WHO'S BRIGHT IDEA WAS IT TO USE AN ACTUAL LAVA MONSTER IN THE COMMERCIAL?"

"Y-you, sir."

The director blinked before turning back to Lincoln with a nervous smile. "Lincoln, main man! How about you take five?"

Lincoln nodded. "Well, I am a little thirsty."

Someone handed him a water bottle without the cap. As he drank from it, someone handed him a ringing cell phone.

"Hello?" He talked to the phone as he started to walk away. "Oh hey mom. Yeah, the commercial is going great…"

* * *

AN: Yes, this is real. Search 'THE BEST - US Marines TV Recruitment Spot - Ever Produced'


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